Lead a Fit and Healthy Life
Posts tagged self image
Self Image Sabotage
18 months ago
I have been thinking a lot about my posture and how I look in general. I saw some candid pictures from the CrossFit Murph WOD on Monday and candidly — I was seriously horrified at how I appear. I was hesitant to post this, but then thought about how one of the things that made me start to blog regularly was to know that I am not alone in the way I feel and think. So here goes…
You know how you have this vision of yourself in your mind — and then you see few pictures of yourself and it has the power to break me down. Bad photos and the scale’s numbers have this amazing hold over me that can break me or make me depending on the good/bad it tells. That’s what happened to me this weekend. After seeing some of the pics of myself doing and post Murph WOD — I seriously got messed up in my head. That is not the vision I had of how I look. I am not looking for sympathy or compliments when I share this either. To some of those that I have shared this with already, I heard how crazy I am. But this is what goes through my mind: How come I don’t look as amazing as the other athletes I work out with? I work just has hard, focus on my nutrition and I still don’t look what in my mind would be considered good. It’s tough for me to share that with everyone, but if I am not honest here, then why bother? Can you imagine how frustrating that is to me? In many ways I am glad CrossFit doesn’t have mirrors or a scale because it’s not about those things –its about being fit. But if they did, I think I would be even harder on myself. There are times when I see people who I know read this blog outside in the real world, and I think to myself –oh man, I hope they aren’t disappointed by what they see or think –’with all that working out, you would think she would look better.’ Pretty pathetic thoughts right?
I can sit here and talk about how it’s not about how you look and it’s about being fit all day long, but in reality it’s something that I am still learning to acknowledge and accept – obviously. I think I work so hard at it not only because I love the feeling I get and the people I hang out with, but because I don’t think I look good. I saw those pictures and thought how schlumpy I look and how much more work I have to do. It’s really upsetting to me and it has been going through my mind for days now– and I know these feelings will fade into the background of my life once again, until they bubble up from another bad image. I can prepare and talk about being ready for it — but it’s so sad that it has this type of control over my outlook. I can understand how it can consume one’s life — the strive for what one considers perfection. So, I’m down this week about it and battling against these types of thoughts, but I know it won’t keep me down and on I go.
Today’s workout was about Muscle Ups. Yeah, good times.
Warmup
50 DUs
10 PassThurs
10 Good Mornings
10 Head Rotations
10 Trunk Rotations
1 Rope Climb (or rather for me, attempted)
Skill
Muscle Up
WOD
15m AMRAP
7 Muscle Ups (I did MU Transitions)
400m Run
total rounds: 5
Muscle Up Video:
Photographs can be Hazardous to your Mental Health
01 year ago
I read this blog post by Roni called Sometimes It’s Just a Bad Picture — and it really could not have come at a better time. July and August I did races and with those races were race photographers who put the photos in a gallery for you to view and if you want, buy. Well seeing myself in the Crossfit Rare race in July almost did me in. It was seriously a super horrible sight to me — the thoughts through my head were – How can I be that large? Look how horrible I look? How come everyone else in the pics look good, don’t I work out just as hard? I have put in the time and commitment – how come it’s not working??? Will I ever not have those love handles??!! AHHHHHHH!
You get the idea — sabotaging thoughts, poisonous thoughts that just cut deep. How come I can’t focus on the amazing things –like I did that incredibly hard race and didn’t come in last? or the 2 year ago Stephanie, would not have even been able to even show up to an event like that? Or — just Wow.
What is it about the way I am wired that I zero in on the negative visual aspect of it all — I know i am not alone either — Is it really true that I don’t see the same thing that everyone else does when they look at me? Seeing that image really got me down — but then I read this blog entry about how sometimes it really is just a bad picture, from a bad angle — you acknowledge it and move on — What great advice, although it’s not so easy to just rewire yourself. It takes time, and constant monitoring of how you talk to yourself and what you say — I am going to start changing my internal voice when it comes to this sort of stuff starting today.
So — here’s to moving on!
